not everyone loves you back.

don’t ever forget that.

today was a terribly difficult day for me.  i was condescended, hurt, and made to feel like a no good, ugly human being, like a little girl with no significance to her life.  like a stupid bitch.  and i’m 30, in february.

this blog entry started, over and over again, with titles such as, “fuck you (anonymous),” “no wonder i was bulimic,” and my favourite, “you will not break me.”

the aforementioned entries were deleted because i have a responsibility, an obligation to my readers, to myself, even to those who hurt me today.  i’m not a vicious, negative person, and i don’t wish to represent myself as such on this blog.  rather, i wish to describe of how i overcame this event, of my associated epiphany, and of my advice to you, take it or leave it, about overcoming such extreme heartbreak, dear reader.

the good news: 🙂

after three hours of hiding under the blanket, holding onto gwendolyn, hating that i could be losing my yogic muscles due to inactivity, closing my eyes, fighting the urge to eat something that would ultimately piss me the f*ck off . . . i am better.  and i did not eat. (celebratory wine has been poured and sushi has been ordered, now at 9pm, but you know what i mean).

the reason for writing about these feelings:

my blog is about helping others to realise that life does, indeed, exist after an eating disorder.  it must be disclosed, however, time and time again, that exbulimic life isn’t always sparkly and beautiful.  eating disorders, and life afterward, are not fairy tales.  they’re very real.

why did i feel broken today?

i’ve been nothing but my passionately driven, honest and caring self since that fateful day of ending my bulimia, one year, five months, and 25 days ago.  i’ve been The Real Me.  and i’ve worked relentlessly, painstakingly, trying to earn trust, approval, and respect from the people who should mean the most to a girl.  but they reject me in every sense of the verb “reject.” they pity me.  they talk down to me, mocking me, mocking others who matter to me, mocking my mission, and making me ultimately feel that i’m a bad person.  yes, woe is me.  but I AM NOT A BAD PERSON.  I AM A VERY GOOD, freaking HUMAN BEING.

why today bothered me:

no matter what i do, it’s not enough.  i turn 30 in 42 days.  by normal standards, i’ve lived one third of my life, greater than one third of which was characterised by bulimia.   for the remaining two thirds of my passionate existence, i shall NOT feel bad about who i was, about who i am.  i’ve done my part, trying to prove that i’m good.  no pun intended, but there’s always room for more purging.  and i hereby pledge to purge all toxins.  i’m ready for the second third of my life.

i understand the binge purge cycle.  i understand restriction.  i understand the presence of unkind people.  i understand how you all feel, dear blog friends, when you write about your unhappiness due to eating disordered hell.  because of today’s momentary debilitating experience, because of losing three hours of my life, i am saying that enough is enough.  it’s time to say goodbye.

goodbye, toxicity.

my advice to you:

the New Year shall bring emotional distancing from those who religiously hurt me.  although their intentions, in their eyes, might be good, and they, indeed, have no right to walk upon eggshells, i simply do not wish for drama.  drama = stress = desire to binge/purge = time away from playing with gwendolyn = time away from growing my fortune = time away from socialising with the friends who matter!

i’ve done a wonderful job of cleansing my body.  now i need to cleanse my soul.  completely.  constantly trying to prove myself to those who should matter isn’t worth it anymore.

i have my dog. 🙂

i have my friends ~ my sister, aimee, sir edmund, and a few others (you know who you are).

i have this blog community ~ all of you.  i love you.

girls and boys who are suffering from an eating disorder, here is my advice to you:

the ONLY thing that needs to accept you, is YOU.  remember, however, that additional love is quite beautiful.  when you love yourself, you will find love, the love that matters, the pure, natural, beautiful love that makes your heart feel happy.  i promise.  love exists in so many places.  keep looking.

where have you found love? 

© nicole marie story and nicoleandgwendolyn.com, 2011.